~reasons-for-moving

well, last journal entry for a while, methinks, the motherland is calling and i have to show up for my national service on monday, or get arrested, thrown in jail etc...kinda sucks (understatement of the century)... one of those things that makes me wish i'd never decided to come back home, even for a while, though it's too late now to go back to the uk, which in any case has been my real home for more than a decade...

sod it, it's got to be done, so... at least it should afford me with chances for some ninja-photography (© serialsan) - photography of any kind is strictly forbidden in militaty installations, so it's only gonna be cell phone stuff, done in much secrecy... unless i want to get charged with high treason or something... i will have net access once every blue moon or so, so hopefully...

other than that, life sucks, mostly coz i let it - it is becoming quite obvious that there are some good things happening to me, but i am in a sense doing my best to destroy them, sticking instead with the past and all the shit it left me to deal with... with every day that goes by, i am shocked anew by the depth of my dissociation from everything except writing - i spend most of my time not really being here, or now...

i guess the really fun thing about being human is that awareness of your stupidity does not automatically mean you stop being stupid, it just means that you can watch yourself be stupid and think 'what the hell is wrong with me, i should know better by now' - or maybe it's just me, i don't know...

as fitzgerald would put it at the end of gatsby (mediocre writer for me, but the great gatsby is a masterpiece, it's the rest of his stuff i don't care much for - i've read gatsby repeatedly over the years, i could not recommend it enough):

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

(in case anyone is confused, borne is not born with bad spelling, it means carried - not to sound pedantic or anything, it's just that i've recommended this book to 3-4 people who are not native speakers of english and they all commented on this, coz borne is not used much nowadays, except in instances like airborne etc, and they'd never seen it before - feel free to call me names now...)

there's still some photos to put up, hopefully i'll get around to that by sunday... and the story is going well, i was hoping it'd be done by now, but i've ended up staying away from it for a few days, it had become quite overwhelming, and i needed the break, oh well, i'll have to find some time to finish it in the next few weeks, when i'm not saluting officers or painting sheds (now if only the paint jobs were more than monochrome army green, or white...)